Disappearing

And here i was.sitting and moping about shit. Why cant my life be any better?i know..nobody likes me anyway.no one.like why would anyone right?maybe i better off gone. Cut off contact with everybody.i shouldnt really be contacting anyone at all. Not even zack my bff or my boyfriend...boyfriend? Is he really? I know. He hates me and doesnt forgive me yet.he just acted like he does.sometimes it makes me wonder if there is any love between us and does it worth to fight for it anymore? I feel bad enough when he found out about robert. I thought he moved on but it seems all is in vain no?he brings it up. How can i move on and love him the way i was? When i remember what my bff told me and showed me what sam and that cunt ruby is texting? Even asked  her for a photo of her ass and etc..god. The more i talk about this the more I'm in pain.he even recontacted her and told me despite his denial that he said he is bored and i was busy. It hurts so much. Whenever he said work my ass off to get there...what pop into my head is...ruby. He told ruby to come to america and be his maid..all those dirty text he texted her pops into my brain.i never contact robert no more. Under his request. I have pride and honor too. Why cant he understand? Oh pssh..I'm a cunt right? I reallyshould disappear   and cut off all contact with everyone and live in seclusion. I am all alone after all...while I'm at it i should change my number. Sam told his friend rhiannon that he was gonna dump me anyway.it hurts me to the point my soul cease to live.frozen in time where he was a loving and caring man.all those wonderful times together. My soul had died. I really wish i could turn back time.i would do things differently. I tried to commit suicide many times but I'm rescued by my bff. A friend i have no feelings but as a family. It hurts so bad. Does it worth it if i go to america anyway? Will it even change things between us? I dont know. I dont know anymore. We constantly have fights now. And each and every time he said i started it.okay.. Im already hurt losing mika and aida.its not even my fault. Im hurt badly inside. Sadness is..putting a fake smile on your face everyday.i told myself that it will be worth the trouble i'm going through. But every time i do so...i dont succeed. I keep failing. Falling to the ground so bad.why am i suffering so much?i just want him to be here and love me.but...i fail. From what my friend zack told me...i'm his wife spiritually.im happy.really happy.but im also suffering that he is far away.if we aren't meant for each other...i will be the saddest person ever.i wont be in love for as long as i live.i dont see where we are going right now anyway.it seems like something somehow...are meant to separate us. Yes i hate him for leaving back to america.i felt miserable before i step foot in Singapore. And his leaving made his family hates me. Im not 15.i know they hate me. But he denies that his family hates me. He is a FAVORITE in his family. You dont mess with a family favorite. But really...if we are meant to be separated,im

Willing to let him go. After all,im an obstacle in his happiness. I understand. He likes ruby because she is a perfect woman.completely understandable.she can cook,clean,has a steady job,a good woman in his eyes.me? I dont have all that. All i have is my love and loyalty to offer.yes i did screw up one time,im trying my hardest to fix the shit i done.but...its never enough no..?its ok.im willing to back off to let him be happy. Its ok if i suffer...i already have suffer for a long time.i should prepare where im going to live and a new job and a house. Living away from everyone i know. Everyone. I will no longer live in pain and misery. I will no longer be heartbroken.i will live in a new chapter. New storybook of my life. Im just so sick of things...i keep telling myself its fucking alright. Everything is. My life has been nothing but in shambles. My life is a farce. I hate myself so much. I remember feeling this way when Aida...was gone.